Silence

Sitting on this side
My eyes hunt for the shore on the other
I can see the clouds
Dim sunlight filtering through them
And giving it the sparkling
Orange lining in the dusky sky.

The water of the ocean
Is playing with vibes
Blues with silver streaks
Glowing orange gems
It makes me wonder
Why are illusions so fascinating?

Through the vast expanse of the ocean
My eyes see water till the farthest point
Its pristine and peaceful
Yet my eyes search for land.
Its queer
The silence that I have loved so much
Is troubling me today.

mom...

till the child is in the womb
she is a part of the mother.
as she comes out in the world
she has to learn to live for herself.

For the mother,
the process of detatchment starts
from the day she gives her a new life,
outside her.

Yet mothers are the only ones
who can sense our pains
our angsts
without even words being conveyed

she is the one
who first felt us
who first loved us
who nourished us before herself
satiated our hunger before hers
treated our pains before hers
awoke nights so that we could sleep

how much more do i state here....


can we ever do or feel
even a fraction of this love
towards our mom..

we are the ones
who take them for granted
ALWAYS.

blah blah!

well had a fantabulous weekend....it was the warming up ceremony for my cousin's new shop....which means a get together with all relatives n cousins...and lot of work n exhaustion!!
i can see a change in me.....i sacrificed my only dearest holiday to go there rather than catching up with my dearest sleep....m enjoying the company of my relatives unlike earlier....or is it beacuse my friends have gone away..or is it coz it gives a break from the usual work day schedule....i guess all..;)

again i faced the same situation where all my extended family just casually sat around n attacked me...well counselled me.....well coaxed me....to get married!!! phew....but i have learnt to react in a mature away...earlier they talk about it n i would be in rage.....now i handle it all with a smile on my face....i have become confident of the fact that their talking n cribbing can't change my decision....so my being so calm yesterday confused them a bit!!!...yipppppppie!!!
sorry ma n pa...m not ready for it yet......i can't understand marriage....i dnt want to marry coz every body does....that just doesn't convince me....i need to feel the need to get maaried deep inside....i can't do it just for the sake of it....
n about my growing up n age factor.....i dnt know what to say....i understand that as parents they might be right n worried....but am i wrong???

well i have joined school...n m stuck in that damn rigid system again...i know i never wanted to teach in a school...but destiny has its way.....what i hate the most is i can't keep shouting at students all the time n restricting them form doing n things....i just love being friends with them....but neither the system nor the students are geared up for this.....m learning to adjust....

i need to loose weight.....

m rediscovering a few relationships....n m glad :)

m still waiting for my results ..fingers crossed.....

the restless monkey inside me tells me that the change that is coming up is for good....inshaallah

fiction 55

the pristine water was witness to both of them strolling on the wet sand along the beach...hands entwined
the scenic sunset and the gushing waves could not sooth the queer feelings rousing inside her ...

he broke the silence "i had a beautiful time last night....with your best friend"

Mah Friends are Going.....:(

just back from P's engagement party.....it was great fun n P was extremely happy!!
the best part was that it was P's n her fiance's budday today..yes both of them share the same birthday n they decided to make it even more special by exchanging rings today!! superb!

so my friends are going farther n farther..
PS's hubby switched jobs n so she moved to Bangalore last year...
R gets married next month n shifts to Pune....
P gets married in another 5 months n moves to Hyderabad....

Gosh...i'll be soooooo lonely....main roz ki bakwass si gappen kis se marungi....Phulz pals...stay back here.....Or I might go insane....

but these friends are acting more like dushmans.....if mom wasn't enough to pressurise me into getting married....these people too have ganged up with my mom...n if this continues.....U guys will make my life hell.....

just gimme some space n time..i know whats right for me....let me do it my way.....

Don't make me fight with u.....

I'll miss u girls....

thoughts

i feel like pondering over so many thoughts inside me

to comprehend these lines on my hand

to convey the things that are deep down

to make my thoughts see the light of the world

and more so

to understand the truth behind these thoughts

and for once accept what my heart wants!

fiction 55 - rings of smoke

He felt his dreams crashing once again...tears were swelling his eyes....this time he didn't want to let them free....he closed his eyes once more....darkness was more comfortable...

His hands were wandering into the bag.....should I or should'nt I?

With feeble hands he let his dreams go... into rings of smoke...

Yeh tha June.....

the past month had kept me too busy...entangled in mostly all the unimportant yet to be done things....

• landed with a temporary job to beat time n till i get one of my choice!! but m thoroughly enjoying this one..:)

• added another year to my life.. :)) and it was a terrific day...no partying but wishes from close ones and a few forgotten ones and some unexpected new friends made it reeeally special...its just the fact that all those people took time out and made an effort to wish me on my special day made it worthwhile!! Thanks u guys...a special mention for O for the beautiful gift and D n A for your absolutely unexpected calls from across borders!

• was doin dilli darshan in this scorching heat with my desi-phoren cousins who didn't have a better time to visit our desh...

• have been applying for jobs..hopefully things will click somewhere soon and a decently good package ;)

• made attempts to go for morning walks coz m going on the weightier side but it just failed miserably......

• met some great women and genuinely admire them for their spirit.

• bought some nice clothes for my self...

• an attempt to make my frizzy hair look nicer crashed once again....so m back to my burnt maggi type hair!!

• its been ages i haven't picked on a book...this month was the same....

have already landed into july with lotsa prayers coz a lot is expected to happen..hopefully positive!!

amen!

The Black Veil

The first thing that I want to state is that in this post I am questioning a belief and a practice and not attacking it.

The black veil intrigues me. It disturbs me and brings a lot of questions for which I need answers. I am not supportive of the practice of women wearing burqua and I have my reasons for it. It is a fatal combination of religious practices and patriarch culture. I do not have a historical understanding of why women were made to wear a hijab and its connection to the present day. As per my knowledge, women were kept under the veil because they were considered as sexual objects and men did not want them to run around flaunting their beauty and bodies. From what I understand, a veil is not just a physical covering but also sets a psychological boundary which is not supposed to be crossed. Here, by psychological boundary, I aim at the various social constraints that a women is supposed to follow to keep her virginity intact which includes proper dressing, manner of conduct, body posture, walk etc etc etc. The burqua is not just supposed to conceal the woman’s body but is also symbolic of how a woman is supposed to confine herself , her feelings, her emotions and her life according to the ways as defined by the men of the society for them. For me, the hijab signifies confinement from expression of the body and the self. It curbs the sexuality,freedom and individuality of womanhood. It might be done to under the name of protection from stray eyes but did no one think of curbing those stray eyes??

Strangely, according to Islamic practices, black is the colour of mourning….why is the burqua black in colour…does this symbolize that women are evil to the society that they are to be wrapped up in a black cloth all the time??

When I look out into the world,I see many many women who have left behind these cultural practices and have ventured into this modernist world with a sense of freedom and an individuality that anybody dare not doubt and point a finger at. But this does not mean that the practice is a long past. It is very much existant in our villages, in our cities and in this big world. We talk about existentialism, we talk about modernism and post- modernism. But my question is do we have a right to talk about all these 'isms' when millions of women in this world that we live in are not even aware of what individuality means. What it means to nourish your own self and your soul....or for that matter do they understand the meaning of the word 'self' in the truest sense of it......????

And the seasons go on

Well my student days have come to an end but those college years have been a lifetime of fun,masti,emotions, stupidity, fooling around things and so on….m happy that there will be no more slogging with books and exams but there’s much more that I’ll be missing on…..
1. those so many failed attempts at proxy attendance.
2. that rushing from bus stop to college to save the attendance for the 8.30
lecture.
3. non stop dirty talk at the lawns.
4. woh canteen ki chai, samose aur idli sambar.
5. the trips…
6. 8 of us stuffed in 1 auto(resource crunch!!!)
7. copy pasting projects and assignments…
8. some projects seriously done in just 14hrs…or I night at the max…!!
9. those times when we were thrown out of class and we laughed our hearts off!!!
10. the big break ups n make ups…80% of conversations were circled around this…
11. the college fest….esp the euphoria nite….mmmmmm
12. the chit chats at the metro station…
13. the plays that we performed can’t be forgotten
14. the nights before exams….fadu nights!!
15. the so many front row movies that we enjoyed..:)))
16. summer vacations and how desperately we waited to sleep our assess off through the day.
17. the groups that we had…and the hiding notes and the cold wars.
18. I can’t forget the first time we tried marroing sutta!!!
19. chit passing during lectures and the fuss created when caught.
20. the fun with clothes, naughty t shirts with slogans, mast jholas and piercings!!!
21. going broke giving treats!!
22. internship sucked the blood out of us…but we all came back smiling!!!

Well these were the days which made us laugh will now give us wet eyes. And will laugh over those days that we spent crying and anxious over stupid problems!!!

Thats college I guess……