dear

for once m not trying to be selfish...m concerned coz its not about my life alone but one more life that would have a lot of expectations and so many people linked to it. m thinking about all of it and trying to take a decision. but u are not letting me stand by that.
understand its damn difficult for me to do all this. it takes courage to let ur dreams go by and not catch hold of them. let me gather that courage. don't make me run around in circles. its baffling. everything is spinning. My mind tangles up like the ball of wool the kitten just played with. The truth is that I am tired........ tired of fighting with myself, fighting with my closest ones, tired of fighting till I loose......till I fall down.

give me the strength. show me the light.

p's wedding

heyo

was out with P yesterday distributing her wedding cards...i never thought i would be doing this at any point of time in life.....i do strictly believe this home hopping-giving card business is really a frivilous activity...i mean isnt a phone invite wth an email enough or simple...just courier all the invites.... but ha i was doing all this in person yesterday!!!!

it was fun meeting all ol' friends.......n remembering school days n catching up on lost out ones.....

well i have work to do..neither have i bought clothes for myself for the wedding nor a gift for her n just 12 more days to go..... n m here blogging off my time.... :)

life

Life is a wander maze. No matter how hard we try life takes its own course. At times good at times bad. Its good when it correlates to the prayers we have made and bad when its contradictory to what we have wished for. My heart breakes but only for a moment when I see a small child bare feet begging on the roads of the city bearing the chill. Its makes my dream castle crumble down and makes me question my soul. Do I have a right to ask for more? It makes me feel so small inside. Most of us consider ourselves as books of wisdom but how much do we know about life? Just a look at an old rickshaw puller carrying down two young girls down the street shakes me and I want to plan a future, plan a life???

I know a lot and yet I know nothing….nothing. I may have my degrees but I don’t know if I might choke in the next breath.

Many times I try to stop myself from asking from the almighty and see how life treats me just based on my work and my decisions. But I cannot practice it for long.
Life as I see is a series of steps, very well planned. The complexities are as real as the dark clouds or the deep blue sea. But they always take us somewhere, to some place, to some destination with a lot of de-learning, learning and re-learning along the journey. I would like to call it destiny.

Its like the rainbow that appears once in a while to rekindle that faith and beauty and replenish our thoughts with hope and desires once more.

black roses

what if your fertile land produces black roses....would you still cultivate and nourish it???

infinity

i wish i could explain
my thoughts
to you
the intricasies
the complexities
the wounds
the scars that wander around
every stubbornness has a reason
at times we need to go beyond words
to understand the meaning of abstractness
at times infinity also holds many answers

awesome weather

the weather has been just awesome since past 2 days...its getting colder....the woolens are out.....i
m taking the longer routes to get home...just to enjoy the cold breeze and watch people.....i dread winters but for this weather m just loving it!!!!!
missing someone....;)

my diary

Dear ....

Its been time that we have known each other. I never completely trusted you. There have always been unanswered questions about you in my mind. But still I wanted to trust you. Four of us have spent some really awsome mast times together be it hanging out at the malls or just walks....as u say 'great times spent'. I always knew that u have been hiding things from me. But i chose to ignore it and was glad that u were sharing those things with me that u culd not trust anybody else with. M thankful to you for keeping that faith in me. But you never let me do that with you.
But after that day I have lost all the respect that I had for you. The path that you have taken on is in absolute contradiction to my values. I cannot accept you like that.
I hate you.
I still wish that all of us be together again but I know that can never ever happen now.
We need to loosen our strings and let each other go our ways.
For the betterment and peace for all of us.

restaurants??

we were as usual hanging out and M suggested that we go for a proper meal in a good restaurant instead of getting into a fast food joint or a cafe that we usually do. I hated the idea. I am too hesitant of eating in these high end formal restaurants as I call them. The look and the ambience of it makes me uncomfortable though people love these. I would never enter a Ruby Tuesday or a TGIF or Mainland China. everything at these places comes to me as so structured and organised. I would pretty much be happy at grabbing a meal at Yo China or stare at people across glasses at Barista or CCD. These are places where i can be myself, laugh out loud and do just anything. love the feel of these places...casual, cool, bindass. Proper restaurants means sitting properly, well laid out napins and cutlery, somebody serving you, no messing up with food n ketchups..oh so boring.....well we go out to enjoy and have fun ...right!

Infact bestest moments with food have been roadside ones for me.....hot boiled eggs from the thale wala bhaiya on a cold winter night, steamed momos from the local kiosk, chatpati tikki from the ghar ke pass wala halwai, kathi rolls from kiosks again, matke wale chole kulche, khana from dhabas on highways, hostel ki gandi kitchen ki mast chai, canteen ki maggi....aha...kya mazaa ata hai.....churi kante se ac restaurant mein baith kar khane mein kya rakha hai doston.......enjoy the street food......slurp!

just updates.

there's a lot about me that nobody knows....nobody and i can not and do not want to expalin it to them . but i wish i could share.....i know i can share it with P but i do not have the guts to do so...dark secrets are difficult to open up....she would understand why i do not want to get married now.

i have started making stupid blunders again. its strange but this phase comes in , reoccurs . i start making mistakes n that too illlogical n stupid in nature which i myself cannot understand why and become a cause not of embarrasement but absolute stupidity and mindlessness. its making me feel guilty.

for friends- most of them have a constant complain. i make plans to meet up and call off at the last moment. at times it is mood swing , laziness but mostly its genuine reasons. i wish all my good friends could understand this. but those who do and still love me are my gooody goody friends...so what if i couldn't attend my best friends marriage....i know she understands or cancelled off major plans at last moments.....we all still in touch and going good.

i wish i could apply my brains a little more.

feeling too stressed out these days....lot of work and laziness leaves all my work unfinished and then i have to rush. result.....stress.

my hod is getting on my nerves these days...she's irking me...can't she be a better manager..it would ease off so much of work..but no..why would she do that...i m starting to hate her.

mad over donuts

I have always hated donuts….HATED….even the face of it….I hated lukn at them….it always seems such a heavy thing tooo sweet for the mouth with loads of chocolate dripped over it…..i luv chocolate in all its forms but somehow that liquid chocolate poured over donuts would make me feel puky…..seriously.

But from quite some time…people have been recommending me to have donuts from ‘MAD OVER DONUTS’. I was strolling at one of these happening malls in the city with O and we went into the food court without any intentions of binging on smthing. But right at the entrance we spotted MOD. We luked at it and then went on about insulting donuts to heights!!! After we had done our hatefill over donuts, I just mentioned how people have been praising MOD. He agreed in, we gave each other a witty smile and seconds later, we were at the MOD counter trying to choose our donut out of the so many kept there….i was trying to avoid the ones dripping with choc sauce but O insisted on having those ones…I wonder why….so after all that crappy insistence I went in for ‘nuts over donuts’…donut with choc sauce and beautifully covered up with loads of nuts and O choose a milky chocolate one….i have to agree that these donuts were really pleasing to look at as against the horrifying ones I have always had to lay my eyes on…..so we grabbed a seat and then grabbed the holey things into our mouths……and trust me the experience was heavenly…..the donuts were extremely fresh, warm and fluffy. The sweetness was just apt which is very rare….especially when it comes to sweet stuff…

And I relished every bite of that donut. O suggested for having another grab but I declined for it would have been too much…… m not too choosy with food….n neither m I a food lover….but I must say that m in love with these donuts….and I’ll be going in for a second time sooooon……..