but m high...

but m high n with a bang... the lines on my mind..... ' with hopes to achieve with a mission that is ours with big dreams in our hearts....... i'll reach for the stars! i'll reach for the stars!!' Daisaku Ikeda

flush of thoughts

life has been kind of acting weird this time around.....not that struggles were not there earlier...but i guess its just that m feeeling the burn out now.... i need to be hugged.......i need to be loved....m tired of being n showing how strong i am.....m not...........i just need to hug n cry my tears out had a bad night yesterday...stressed...tasted my tears.........was awake most time.......n but then the morning gives me hope again...to move....to fight.....n be the same hopeful person........to regain that strenght n move on...... but this low downs always leave a doubt........am i asking for too much.....are my dreams too hopeful?? nah not so....i shall not settle for anything less......i shall achieve.... :))

where

Where do i begin from?

Till a few hours back, i felt as if i was the happiest person around.

i feel i have two extreme sides to me, both trying to just barge into each other.

i wish i was born a boy- life would have been simpler, my thought process esp.

i need sunshine. m scared about my future. i need to talk.

i wish i was more stronger and less emotional.

i wish i should have listened to my heart all this while.

oh knight! whre art thou?

NH 2

I have been enjoying my trips on NH2. Just love the speed we are on... And yeah, how so ever tired I might be, I relent closing my eyes off for a nap….for it’s the green of the fields that makes me feel the essence of colour in life, it’s the whiteyblue of the horizon that wants me to dream, it’s the wind raffling with my hair that makes me feel oh so vibrant…..i love my road trips!

I am

I just wish I was like so many, infact most of the people around me. Things…nah life would have been soo much easier. It troubles me….the differences in thought and processes. N here I aint talking about strangers. I am talking about family thats becoming more of a stranger rather than a support. I just cant sit down and talk to them. I fail to sit down and discuss the differences. Coz I assume they wont be able to comprehend. Our priorities in life have become (are)different. Just that I have realized it now. I am not like them. I want to do things they want me to but our ways arnt similar. I feel like an outsider now. Its not that anyones stopping me but they arnt supportive either. And now after a time, after holding my head high for some time ,I am beginning to loose faith in myself and I my goals. This constant not making of eye contacts and worry about each othet yet limited expressions feels or rather crumbles me inside. It diverts my energy from what I should be doing to nowhere.
This makes me believe, much better are so many names around me who did not take the road less travelled. But m walking, and pray to the super power to give me the strength for I got to make a mark and I shall
amen

me at almost 27.

When I was 18
The man who gave me my first of the many names
left for his abode.
I enjoyed pleasure.
Created rings in the air.
Felt the pain of love.
I realised what those unfriendly touches meant.
I stepped into the air of independence.

When I was 20,
I held the wheel I could steer.

At 16,
I understood what melancholy was
amidst a crowd.


At 10 or 12,
I felt the first unhealthy touch.

At 14
The man I both adored and hated
became a star.

At 15
I had a shoulder to cry on, to laugh and share my secrets with.
The retalliations within me kept growing.

At 22,
I belived at the path I was moving on.
I added a sparkling feather.

At 24
I added yet another feather.
We crossed boundaries of land & water.

At 25,
The hate was transitioning to care.
I became what I wanted to be.
I missed the strong bonds of Rakhi.
The distance began to emerge.
I realised once again how important you were to me.

At 23,
I earned my first bank' s paper.

At 26,
Somebody surprised me and left me gaping.
The distance has been growing eversince.
I met the first considered man..
till now have met 4 :)
I began to fight hard in my mind.


At 21,
I crossed a milestone.

as i write this, i realise there's so much of I in me....what have i done for others.

p.s- this post is inspired by the recent Kotak ad ....celebrating 25!!!

saturday

its a saturday evening......as always m at home....nothing to do. m looking hard to do something worthwhile on weekends...probably some theatre, pottery....something fun.....
par kuch milta hi nai hai...... boring...huh!!!

had my first paper presentation today....made my point in flat 7 mins....hmmm....i need to work on elaboration skills !!!
though a good attempt....i pat myself!

aise hi....

aaaaaaarrrrrrgggh
i realise i haven't written for ages...infact today i hav logged in to blogger after a looong time.

feeling kinda strange....i know when i write it keeps me closer to myself....but still i so try to escape it :D

Well lots happened...changed my job....again!
but for the better this time.....as it is always!!

feels good m writing this :)

well yeah the job has been goood to me.....a big task coming on frm nxt week....m stressed...nah over-stressed......

n m losing out on my confidence as it is coming closer..... i have this kinda strange feeling that people are judging me, comparing me to A,B,C and m not at all feeling good abt it.

par kya karen...part of the game i guess....

the heat is getting on me now.......pls barso re megha barso....

electricity running out.....water taps drying out...what ya..... i hate the govt....huh!!!

still strugling with the marriage tiff ...last month had been very tensed on this account....but i luv u ma pa.......thank u ... muuah.....

damn tired n exhausted.......


n oh i forgot to mention.........budday was xcellent this year......a deliciously yummy cake was waiting outside my house at midnight.......received wishes from a lot of people.....could take time out to meet nani......was off to gurgaon to meet R....gosh...she surprises me or rather shocks me all the time....how can somebody be so carefree about spending lumps of money without blinking...and that too parents money???? well i surely deal with this in some post when it gets too much for me to take ....
alrite back home in time...to meet friends again........phone was constantly ringing...n i realize i DO NOT wish a lot of people on their b'days n should wish them....i'll try to!

m missing my day....:)(

the yet and yet not.....

can we have men who can be friends, who can be your bestest friends n yet not be friends n yet be more than friends n yet not be boyfriends n yet be friends n yet not be lovers n yet be soulmates n yet not be husbands n yet be someone who can read your eyes n yet not be live in partners n yet be bestest friends n yet not be boyfriends n yet be the one to understand silences and yet be the one and yet not be the one and yet be the one……


Confused …me tooo!


a bike ride this morning with just a lite sweater to cover up was awesome...i let the chill get into me...the chilly wind ruffling my hair, hitting me in the eye, the heaviness in the head...the chill in every part of the body was refreshing...it somehow calmed the rush in me......

dear

for once m not trying to be selfish...m concerned coz its not about my life alone but one more life that would have a lot of expectations and so many people linked to it. m thinking about all of it and trying to take a decision. but u are not letting me stand by that.
understand its damn difficult for me to do all this. it takes courage to let ur dreams go by and not catch hold of them. let me gather that courage. don't make me run around in circles. its baffling. everything is spinning. My mind tangles up like the ball of wool the kitten just played with. The truth is that I am tired........ tired of fighting with myself, fighting with my closest ones, tired of fighting till I loose......till I fall down.

give me the strength. show me the light.

p's wedding

heyo

was out with P yesterday distributing her wedding cards...i never thought i would be doing this at any point of time in life.....i do strictly believe this home hopping-giving card business is really a frivilous activity...i mean isnt a phone invite wth an email enough or simple...just courier all the invites.... but ha i was doing all this in person yesterday!!!!

it was fun meeting all ol' friends.......n remembering school days n catching up on lost out ones.....

well i have work to do..neither have i bought clothes for myself for the wedding nor a gift for her n just 12 more days to go..... n m here blogging off my time.... :)

life

Life is a wander maze. No matter how hard we try life takes its own course. At times good at times bad. Its good when it correlates to the prayers we have made and bad when its contradictory to what we have wished for. My heart breakes but only for a moment when I see a small child bare feet begging on the roads of the city bearing the chill. Its makes my dream castle crumble down and makes me question my soul. Do I have a right to ask for more? It makes me feel so small inside. Most of us consider ourselves as books of wisdom but how much do we know about life? Just a look at an old rickshaw puller carrying down two young girls down the street shakes me and I want to plan a future, plan a life???

I know a lot and yet I know nothing….nothing. I may have my degrees but I don’t know if I might choke in the next breath.

Many times I try to stop myself from asking from the almighty and see how life treats me just based on my work and my decisions. But I cannot practice it for long.
Life as I see is a series of steps, very well planned. The complexities are as real as the dark clouds or the deep blue sea. But they always take us somewhere, to some place, to some destination with a lot of de-learning, learning and re-learning along the journey. I would like to call it destiny.

Its like the rainbow that appears once in a while to rekindle that faith and beauty and replenish our thoughts with hope and desires once more.

black roses

what if your fertile land produces black roses....would you still cultivate and nourish it???

infinity

i wish i could explain
my thoughts
to you
the intricasies
the complexities
the wounds
the scars that wander around
every stubbornness has a reason
at times we need to go beyond words
to understand the meaning of abstractness
at times infinity also holds many answers

awesome weather

the weather has been just awesome since past 2 days...its getting colder....the woolens are out.....i
m taking the longer routes to get home...just to enjoy the cold breeze and watch people.....i dread winters but for this weather m just loving it!!!!!
missing someone....;)

my diary

Dear ....

Its been time that we have known each other. I never completely trusted you. There have always been unanswered questions about you in my mind. But still I wanted to trust you. Four of us have spent some really awsome mast times together be it hanging out at the malls or just walks....as u say 'great times spent'. I always knew that u have been hiding things from me. But i chose to ignore it and was glad that u were sharing those things with me that u culd not trust anybody else with. M thankful to you for keeping that faith in me. But you never let me do that with you.
But after that day I have lost all the respect that I had for you. The path that you have taken on is in absolute contradiction to my values. I cannot accept you like that.
I hate you.
I still wish that all of us be together again but I know that can never ever happen now.
We need to loosen our strings and let each other go our ways.
For the betterment and peace for all of us.

restaurants??

we were as usual hanging out and M suggested that we go for a proper meal in a good restaurant instead of getting into a fast food joint or a cafe that we usually do. I hated the idea. I am too hesitant of eating in these high end formal restaurants as I call them. The look and the ambience of it makes me uncomfortable though people love these. I would never enter a Ruby Tuesday or a TGIF or Mainland China. everything at these places comes to me as so structured and organised. I would pretty much be happy at grabbing a meal at Yo China or stare at people across glasses at Barista or CCD. These are places where i can be myself, laugh out loud and do just anything. love the feel of these places...casual, cool, bindass. Proper restaurants means sitting properly, well laid out napins and cutlery, somebody serving you, no messing up with food n ketchups..oh so boring.....well we go out to enjoy and have fun ...right!

Infact bestest moments with food have been roadside ones for me.....hot boiled eggs from the thale wala bhaiya on a cold winter night, steamed momos from the local kiosk, chatpati tikki from the ghar ke pass wala halwai, kathi rolls from kiosks again, matke wale chole kulche, khana from dhabas on highways, hostel ki gandi kitchen ki mast chai, canteen ki maggi....aha...kya mazaa ata hai.....churi kante se ac restaurant mein baith kar khane mein kya rakha hai doston.......enjoy the street food......slurp!

just updates.

there's a lot about me that nobody knows....nobody and i can not and do not want to expalin it to them . but i wish i could share.....i know i can share it with P but i do not have the guts to do so...dark secrets are difficult to open up....she would understand why i do not want to get married now.

i have started making stupid blunders again. its strange but this phase comes in , reoccurs . i start making mistakes n that too illlogical n stupid in nature which i myself cannot understand why and become a cause not of embarrasement but absolute stupidity and mindlessness. its making me feel guilty.

for friends- most of them have a constant complain. i make plans to meet up and call off at the last moment. at times it is mood swing , laziness but mostly its genuine reasons. i wish all my good friends could understand this. but those who do and still love me are my gooody goody friends...so what if i couldn't attend my best friends marriage....i know she understands or cancelled off major plans at last moments.....we all still in touch and going good.

i wish i could apply my brains a little more.

feeling too stressed out these days....lot of work and laziness leaves all my work unfinished and then i have to rush. result.....stress.

my hod is getting on my nerves these days...she's irking me...can't she be a better manager..it would ease off so much of work..but no..why would she do that...i m starting to hate her.

mad over donuts

I have always hated donuts….HATED….even the face of it….I hated lukn at them….it always seems such a heavy thing tooo sweet for the mouth with loads of chocolate dripped over it…..i luv chocolate in all its forms but somehow that liquid chocolate poured over donuts would make me feel puky…..seriously.

But from quite some time…people have been recommending me to have donuts from ‘MAD OVER DONUTS’. I was strolling at one of these happening malls in the city with O and we went into the food court without any intentions of binging on smthing. But right at the entrance we spotted MOD. We luked at it and then went on about insulting donuts to heights!!! After we had done our hatefill over donuts, I just mentioned how people have been praising MOD. He agreed in, we gave each other a witty smile and seconds later, we were at the MOD counter trying to choose our donut out of the so many kept there….i was trying to avoid the ones dripping with choc sauce but O insisted on having those ones…I wonder why….so after all that crappy insistence I went in for ‘nuts over donuts’…donut with choc sauce and beautifully covered up with loads of nuts and O choose a milky chocolate one….i have to agree that these donuts were really pleasing to look at as against the horrifying ones I have always had to lay my eyes on…..so we grabbed a seat and then grabbed the holey things into our mouths……and trust me the experience was heavenly…..the donuts were extremely fresh, warm and fluffy. The sweetness was just apt which is very rare….especially when it comes to sweet stuff…

And I relished every bite of that donut. O suggested for having another grab but I declined for it would have been too much…… m not too choosy with food….n neither m I a food lover….but I must say that m in love with these donuts….and I’ll be going in for a second time sooooon……..

my dads' really angry....

its been more than a week my dad and me havn't been talking.....he brought up the marriage issue again and i bluntly said no.....he just walked off in anger....and we havn't been looking in the eye since then......and i havn't slept this whole week.

all my life, all these years i have made every attempt trust me EVERY thing i can to not to annoy my dad. i have given up things he didn't like me doing be it about friends or going out or whatever. i wouldn't do things which i know he'll not like.....n i admit i havn't cared so much about my mom's permissions as about my dad's.

his not talking to me is really making me weak. i have had a proper sleep since then and its been 9 days and the only thing on my mind 24*7 is the issue of marriage. m i wrong in saying a no to this life long so called sacred commitment?? my reasons that i am not ready yet, i need more time and that i do not feel the need to get married right now do not convince them.

i do not find anything wrong. i am 25....and i do not feel the need to get married is an absolutely strong reason for me to say a 'no'. i do not find marriage a necessity. for me it is not something that HAS TO BE DONE. i did like to do it if i genuinely feel the need for it. its a big thing..its a big commitment..its about sharing lifes and am i supposed to do it just coz its the next step in life?????
also i do not like the baggage that marriage brings along......a new family, me being expected to be the responsible one, in-laws, the cooking stuff and then babies...uff.....i don' think m made for it.....

according to my folks, m absolutely on the border of crossing the marriageable age. one more year and i will be making life difficult for them and myself.

in my head...i know m right....but my decision has spoilt the air at home....its just so uncomfortable.....and everybody...friends, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone is making me feel as if m wrong....

am i wrong?

everybody says its just the anxiety and fear of marriage that i have and m giving stupid reasons for it......i don't think so.

m hating this tussle with my dad...should i give in....?