but m high...

but m high n with a bang... the lines on my mind..... ' with hopes to achieve with a mission that is ours with big dreams in our hearts....... i'll reach for the stars! i'll reach for the stars!!' Daisaku Ikeda

flush of thoughts

life has been kind of acting weird this time around.....not that struggles were not there earlier...but i guess its just that m feeeling the burn out now.... i need to be hugged.......i need to be loved....m tired of being n showing how strong i am.....m not...........i just need to hug n cry my tears out had a bad night yesterday...stressed...tasted my tears.........was awake most time.......n but then the morning gives me hope again...to move....to fight.....n be the same hopeful person........to regain that strenght n move on...... but this low downs always leave a doubt........am i asking for too much.....are my dreams too hopeful?? nah not so....i shall not settle for anything less......i shall achieve.... :))

where

Where do i begin from?

Till a few hours back, i felt as if i was the happiest person around.

i feel i have two extreme sides to me, both trying to just barge into each other.

i wish i was born a boy- life would have been simpler, my thought process esp.

i need sunshine. m scared about my future. i need to talk.

i wish i was more stronger and less emotional.

i wish i should have listened to my heart all this while.

oh knight! whre art thou?

NH 2

I have been enjoying my trips on NH2. Just love the speed we are on... And yeah, how so ever tired I might be, I relent closing my eyes off for a nap….for it’s the green of the fields that makes me feel the essence of colour in life, it’s the whiteyblue of the horizon that wants me to dream, it’s the wind raffling with my hair that makes me feel oh so vibrant…..i love my road trips!

I am

I just wish I was like so many, infact most of the people around me. Things…nah life would have been soo much easier. It troubles me….the differences in thought and processes. N here I aint talking about strangers. I am talking about family thats becoming more of a stranger rather than a support. I just cant sit down and talk to them. I fail to sit down and discuss the differences. Coz I assume they wont be able to comprehend. Our priorities in life have become (are)different. Just that I have realized it now. I am not like them. I want to do things they want me to but our ways arnt similar. I feel like an outsider now. Its not that anyones stopping me but they arnt supportive either. And now after a time, after holding my head high for some time ,I am beginning to loose faith in myself and I my goals. This constant not making of eye contacts and worry about each othet yet limited expressions feels or rather crumbles me inside. It diverts my energy from what I should be doing to nowhere.
This makes me believe, much better are so many names around me who did not take the road less travelled. But m walking, and pray to the super power to give me the strength for I got to make a mark and I shall
amen

me at almost 27.

When I was 18
The man who gave me my first of the many names
left for his abode.
I enjoyed pleasure.
Created rings in the air.
Felt the pain of love.
I realised what those unfriendly touches meant.
I stepped into the air of independence.

When I was 20,
I held the wheel I could steer.

At 16,
I understood what melancholy was
amidst a crowd.


At 10 or 12,
I felt the first unhealthy touch.

At 14
The man I both adored and hated
became a star.

At 15
I had a shoulder to cry on, to laugh and share my secrets with.
The retalliations within me kept growing.

At 22,
I belived at the path I was moving on.
I added a sparkling feather.

At 24
I added yet another feather.
We crossed boundaries of land & water.

At 25,
The hate was transitioning to care.
I became what I wanted to be.
I missed the strong bonds of Rakhi.
The distance began to emerge.
I realised once again how important you were to me.

At 23,
I earned my first bank' s paper.

At 26,
Somebody surprised me and left me gaping.
The distance has been growing eversince.
I met the first considered man..
till now have met 4 :)
I began to fight hard in my mind.


At 21,
I crossed a milestone.

as i write this, i realise there's so much of I in me....what have i done for others.

p.s- this post is inspired by the recent Kotak ad ....celebrating 25!!!

saturday

its a saturday evening......as always m at home....nothing to do. m looking hard to do something worthwhile on weekends...probably some theatre, pottery....something fun.....
par kuch milta hi nai hai...... boring...huh!!!

had my first paper presentation today....made my point in flat 7 mins....hmmm....i need to work on elaboration skills !!!
though a good attempt....i pat myself!

aise hi....

aaaaaaarrrrrrgggh
i realise i haven't written for ages...infact today i hav logged in to blogger after a looong time.

feeling kinda strange....i know when i write it keeps me closer to myself....but still i so try to escape it :D

Well lots happened...changed my job....again!
but for the better this time.....as it is always!!

feels good m writing this :)

well yeah the job has been goood to me.....a big task coming on frm nxt week....m stressed...nah over-stressed......

n m losing out on my confidence as it is coming closer..... i have this kinda strange feeling that people are judging me, comparing me to A,B,C and m not at all feeling good abt it.

par kya karen...part of the game i guess....

the heat is getting on me now.......pls barso re megha barso....

electricity running out.....water taps drying out...what ya..... i hate the govt....huh!!!

still strugling with the marriage tiff ...last month had been very tensed on this account....but i luv u ma pa.......thank u ... muuah.....

damn tired n exhausted.......


n oh i forgot to mention.........budday was xcellent this year......a deliciously yummy cake was waiting outside my house at midnight.......received wishes from a lot of people.....could take time out to meet nani......was off to gurgaon to meet R....gosh...she surprises me or rather shocks me all the time....how can somebody be so carefree about spending lumps of money without blinking...and that too parents money???? well i surely deal with this in some post when it gets too much for me to take ....
alrite back home in time...to meet friends again........phone was constantly ringing...n i realize i DO NOT wish a lot of people on their b'days n should wish them....i'll try to!

m missing my day....:)(

the yet and yet not.....

can we have men who can be friends, who can be your bestest friends n yet not be friends n yet be more than friends n yet not be boyfriends n yet be friends n yet not be lovers n yet be soulmates n yet not be husbands n yet be someone who can read your eyes n yet not be live in partners n yet be bestest friends n yet not be boyfriends n yet be the one to understand silences and yet be the one and yet not be the one and yet be the one……


Confused …me tooo!


a bike ride this morning with just a lite sweater to cover up was awesome...i let the chill get into me...the chilly wind ruffling my hair, hitting me in the eye, the heaviness in the head...the chill in every part of the body was refreshing...it somehow calmed the rush in me......

dear

for once m not trying to be selfish...m concerned coz its not about my life alone but one more life that would have a lot of expectations and so many people linked to it. m thinking about all of it and trying to take a decision. but u are not letting me stand by that.
understand its damn difficult for me to do all this. it takes courage to let ur dreams go by and not catch hold of them. let me gather that courage. don't make me run around in circles. its baffling. everything is spinning. My mind tangles up like the ball of wool the kitten just played with. The truth is that I am tired........ tired of fighting with myself, fighting with my closest ones, tired of fighting till I loose......till I fall down.

give me the strength. show me the light.